I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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