Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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