Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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