Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
