On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
