is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I need to stop coming to work sober
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
