Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
