we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize