Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
