watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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