Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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