it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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