asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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