Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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