Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I forget how to act sober
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
