the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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