I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize