distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
