They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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