I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
And then he peed in my hair
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