my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
