I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
