i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
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