I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
