if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
