we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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