I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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