just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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