I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
