just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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