i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
