Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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