I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
