That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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