I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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