dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
