I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
