Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
