Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
