i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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