I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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