Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
