Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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