I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize