i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I should be sponsored by Trojan
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This is my gift to your gina
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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