see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize