My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
