Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
