I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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