I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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