your parents love me but you hate me
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
