theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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