I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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