She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
