we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
