Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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