Don't make out with my wife yet
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
