I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Randomize
