Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
