Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
All I want is dick and wine.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
