the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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