sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
