I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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