Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
