I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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