I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Sext me about skeletons
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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