I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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